This past Monday, July 13th, marked one year since my brother suddenly passed away. To even say one year just hurts. It doesn't seem possible. I think part of me keeps thinking I will wake up and this past year would have been one really long, awful nightmare. It's like my brain knows he's not here, but my heart and soul ache for him to be here so badly. It is a constant war inside my body.
To be honest, this is not what I planned on writing at all. I planned on making this a post of pictures and a sweet thank you to all of our family & friends that came out to remember his life. But now, sitting here, I'm crying and it seemed so unattached, so not real life at all.
So this is real life.
Monday morning I could barely write a balloon to him because nothing seemed right, nothing was enough, nothing was the massive book of thoughts inside my head. I thought about this past year, I wanted to tell him about life- how mom & dad are doing, what his friends are up to, how there were SO many times I wanted to call and talk to him, but I couldn't, and that made me mad. I thought about this past year and nothing seemed special enough to mention. I wanted to tell him that I feel like there will be no more memories made in my mind because I refuse to make them without him in them. As I sat in my car that morning, my mind flooding with all of these thoughts, my favorite song came on, the one that reminds me of him so much, 'See You Again.' I sat there and listened to it and I thought about the day when I will get to see my brother again. HUGE SMILE. I don't want to get up there and tell him I stopped living, stopped making memories. Then he would be mad at me. We can't have that. So right there, in my car, on my way to work, I decided I would do exactly what he would want - Start making memories worth telling him about.
So my message to him looked much different than I expected, but I think he will enjoy reading this version much more.
I miss you like crazy, more and more everyday.
I decided that there was no better day than today to start making memories for you.
I can't wait to tell you all about them when I see you again.
That felt right.
If you have made it to this point in the post, thanks for sticking around :) For those who weren't there on Monday this is what we did-
We decided to get together with family and friends at the fields where he played football for so many years. Football was truly his first LOVE. We talked about sweet memories, my family learned more about how Josh has continued to impact his friends lives, and we wrote him messages of love on balloons. We released them into the sky & it was beautiful.
For all of those that did come- A HUGE thank you from my family. Your love, support, and encouragement means more to us than you will ever know. I am so very grateful for each and every person who filled my brother's life with love. Thank you.
~ xoxo ~