I haven’t written a blog post in over a month, not because I
haven’t wanted to, but because I truly didn’t know what to say. Nothing seemed appropriate or enough to truly
express the pain and loss I felt. I knew
I couldn’t just hop back into outfit and nutrition posts, this was too
significant and too important. My
intention for this blog was always to make it light, fun, and of course
fashionable BUT I can no longer just do that because then this little space I have
created wouldn’t be a true reflection of me.
Ultimately, I saw this blog as a lifestyle journal to have for forever
and see the changes over the years, but now it will also be a faith journal,
sometimes raw and unscheduled because for that day, fashion or shopping isn’t
what I want need to talk about, it’s more than that. So here it goes, a glimpse into my broken
heart…
On July 13th my family’s life was thrown upside
down. I received a call from my dad, no
sister would ever want to hear and no parent should ever have to
experience. The awful feeling compared
to nothing I had ever experienced in all of my life and my body shook as I
cried so uncontrollably I thought I would pass out. My initial reaction was this isn’t real it
cannot be possible… my baby brother cannot be and is not dead. I just saw him the week before and he looked
so great- he had all of these plans, he was making so much progress, he was
finally getting back on the right track – he had hope in his eyes for the first
time in a long time. But as my dad was
sobbing on the other end of the phone I knew, life was no longer the same and
will never be again. I immediately went
into some kind of freak out mode – I honestly cannot even tell you how my brain
was processing or thinking at all but all of the sudden my mind went crazy with
all of these questions - what happened? Is he sure? Does mom know? The next
weeks were pretty much a whirlwind and the emotional roller coaster we were all
on was nearly impossible to ride.
It has been 1 month and 1 week
since my brother went up to heaven, the intense hills on our emotional roller
coasters are smaller, but the healing process seems to be strange like that,
one day you think “I feel stronger I am not going to cry today” then the next
thing you know you are sitting in your car in traffic bawling… for me it’s a
song’s lyrics, seeing a kid who reminds me of my brother, even some days it’s
just seeing a Polo shirt (silly I know, but he lived in Polo and now when I see
anything Polo I think of him), and then sometimes it’s nothing specific at all
other than the painful sadness of knowing I will never get to see his sweet
smile, or hear one of his silly comments and his goofy laugh, or watch him get
married, or know my kids will never know their Uncle Josh. These are the thoughts that still bring me so
much sadness and uncontrollable tears. I
don’t know that there will ever be a day that these thoughts won’t make me
cry. I am learning the human body has
this incredibly annoying ability to make infinite amounts of tears, but I am
also learning that healing is possible and it’s
actually happening in my heart.
 |
| So handsome & that smile :) |
For those who do not know my
brother’s story. It’s starts out
like so many- He was a happy and loving
kid. Always smiling. He had this
personality that made you smile around him and he was a little jokester. Some
teachers would probably even say he was a class clown. He was obsessed with
football and dreamed of playing in college.
He could rattle off every football players stats from college to pro- it
was incredible! We always said he would make an amazing sports announcer. As he grew up life changed, we moved, our
parents got a divorce, and he had a pretty significant fall from a tree house
and suffered a concussion that later led to him no longer being able to play
football safely. He was young and those
were some pretty tough cookies to swallow at that age, really any age. He eventually fell into a different crowd. It was slow change, but a change
nonetheless. I am sure for him it was
just pot, then maybe just this pill or that, but eventually he was doing drugs
I think he even thought he would NEVER do.
And sadly, as his family we were pretty clueless… I honestly didn’t even
know what half the drugs were back then and unfortunately, now only after his
passing do I even truly know what heroin is and the horrible effects it
causes. I so wish I could go back and
educate myself when I first learned he was experimenting, but honestly I think
I was kind of de-sensitized to drugs because so many people I knew experimented
and seemed okay. BUT that is just not true.
A gateway drug is a real thing – it can and many times does change your
life. My brother was SO smart and he
could have completed college with flying colors, but the drugs changed his
motivation levels, his drive, and in the end added another life changer in
his path. Halfway through his freshman
year of college he dropped out, got more into drugs, drifted even farther from
family and friends. One night he
realized he had hit rock bottom and reached out to my parents for help. The next day he was checked into rehab. I am so proud of him for making that decision
and I know at the time it was so so so so difficult to do. For my brother, rehab started off hard due to
withdrawl, but once those side effects faded he was slowly becoming more like
his “old self.” He was hopeful, his drive was coming back, and he was
determined to beat drugs. He met some
amazing people and friends in rehab and he learned so much about himself. He began to entertain the thought of God and
seeking a relationship with Him. We
began to have talks about faith (which I am SO incredibly thankful for, I only
wish we could have talked more) and he began reading the Bible. He was reading through Psalms and he enjoyed
learning and studying God’s word. If you
knew my brother and how he viewed religion and God prior to rehab you know this
was an INCREDIBLE MIRACLE! Things were looking up… but like so many of us we
think we are invincible, that bad things won’t happen to us, and I am sure that’s
what my brother thought too. We are human and sin is so easy to fall into. Sometimes we bounce back, we deal with
consequences, and we learn, but sometimes we never get that opportunity… I am
so thankful my brother reconnected with God in his final months, there is no
doubt in my mind he is sitting up there in heaven, probably rocking some
awesome shoes and a hat, looking down and seeing life in such a different
way. He sees he is so LOVED not only by
his family but his friends and his family’s friends… I am so glad he knows that
peace now!
{Side note: Drug awareness and education are SOOO important
parents, siblings, and grandparents- you think, you hope, you will never have
to experience the effects from drug use, but sadly and statistically you will
probably have a family member who has done drugs, will do drugs, or is
currently using drugs- if you can make yourself aware of the signs you can
potentially save a life!}
There is no reason, no
explanation for the strength I have found since my brother passed EXCEPT that God is holding me, guiding my thoughts, showing me
that there is hope, and that healing is possible. By any example from my past, I should be
extremely depressed. I have always
struggled in situations I feel I have no control over to feel hopeless. But of all times, this time by the grace of
God, I didn’t and still don’t feel this way.
I am learning so much, some extremely painful because I cannot go back
in time and change things, and some so full of hope because I know God is with
me and my family and my brother is with God.
 |
| I miss you and your silly smiles so much Bug |
If you asked me before all of this happened how I would
respond – I can assure you “God’s love and hope will get me through” would not
have been my first answer. It probably
would have sounded more like “Who sold him the drugs? Who was with him and why
did they not say anything or help? Why did you steal from him? Whoever it was they should be locked up and
punished.” BUT the truth is we do not know what happened that morning and we
may never know what truly went on – this has been the hardest aspect for me to
accept- and for a while I wanted the guy who was with him to pay, but it’s not
for me or any of us really to punish him – he knows what happened and so does
God, and that’s the only one who matters.
Which brings me to my current step of healing…
Forgiveness. I am
definitely learning how to do this. I
would love to say it’s because I know that’s what God wants, because he does,
but it’s because I know that’s what my brother wanted SO badly for so
long. He wanted forgiveness for his past
mistakes and daily he struggled with forgiving himself. We owe it to ourselves, to the Lord, and to
those who have wronged us to forgive.
After all, we are all sinners, we have all done wrong in our lives, some
more frequent or more severe, but ultimately we are called to forgive. I wonder if my brother could have forgiven
himself for his past mistakes if he would still be with us today. Forgiveness is so very important! I challenge
you to look inside today and ask yourself if you need to forgive someone or
yourself. Then ask God to help you
forgive. Don’t get frustrated if you
struggle with this, it’s a slow process, it’s painful, and forgiveness will probably be one of the most difficult
things you ever do, but I think you will also find it’s one of the most freeing
actions as well, not only for the one you forgive, but also for the chains
around your heart. When you
forgive, you free your heart from the binding chains of unforgiveness, and you
begin to heal.
{I
specifically write this portion to addicts and family members of addicts, because
I so badly wish I could go back and tell my brother- Forgiveness may be the step that saves you
from yourself, from a relapse, or a broken relationship. You are not a druggie and you are not the
mistakes you have made while using drugs.
You are a beautiful person who despite what you think, your family loves,
God loves, and your future family and friends will love.}
I pray for anyone who is going through the pain of loss or
addiction, whether it be personally or through others actions. Please know healing is possible. The grieving process is so unique and so
difficult. I pray you reach out to a
friend, family member, and God to help you through this time. You cannot do this alone. If you ever need to talk please email me at
danielleadams28(at)gmail(dot)com. I have
found that sometimes just talking to someone who knows your pain helps just a
little more.
If you are interested in learning more about how you can
help in the fight against heroin addiction and the epidemic that is sweeping
our nation: please visit The Davis Direction Foundation on Facebook or Webpage.
Then I acknowledge my
sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my
transgressions to the Lord” and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 31:5
